I haven’t arrived „there“ yet. And maybe I never will.

Do you know that feelin? When you’re 15, 16, and think about being 25, 26? Man, you’ll be SO old then! And surely SO mature! Like, with a job and stuff. Or at least an apartment. Or a degree. Or, well, ANYTHING grown-up at least. And then you are 25 and in the middle of living and getting to know yourself. BUT! With 30! I mean, with 30 you’re bound to have your shit together, right?! You’ll be SO mature then! SO grown-up! With a job. And maybe a family? But definitely with degree and apartment! And then you’re 30 and realize: Somehow I am not there yet. In this grown-up life I imagined to have when I was 15 to 25. And maybe I will never arrive there.

Life to me isn’t a straight line, or a checklist. Surely, I set myself bigger and smaller goals. But they do not determine my whole life. Life is everything, really everything, that happens in between those goals. And once I have reached my goals, I set new ones. Because I know: It’ll go on. That is also one of my insights of my 4 months of travelling. Life will always put me in front of new challenges. And so will I. I will continue to work on myself, my ideas about life and my happiness.

I’ll be turning 32 in exactly a month and have neither an apartment of my own, nor a job. Let alone any ideas as to how to go on from here. And guess what? That’s okay.
Besides, what is that grown-up life that I keep thinking about? On my travels I met a mid-40 woman, mother of three children from two different fathers and now living together with a man who’s not related to the kids in any way. She did find herself but she’ll continue to work on herself too.
I do not feel like I am grown up. I don’t feel settled. I don’t feel like I have arrived in my grown-up life.
Rather, I feel grown. In any sense of the word. I have grown and developed as a human being. I have grown out of some old fears. And I feel like I am ready for the life that lies ahead of me. I am looking forward to that unknown path. Most of the time at least. Sometimes it scares me. But that’s usually doubt telling me “I can’t do this”. And my ego, that wants to remain in the save haven. Where it doesn’t have to risk anything and thus can’t lose either. But that’s not how I want to life my life. So, I’ll be on my way onto the next journey. Into my life. Not the grown-up life I imagined in my 20ies. But a life that allows me to grow. And that I will grow into.